Dr. Debra Laino
Sex Therapy and Life Coaching in Delaware
Short and Sweet…
Those of you who have been reading my blog know I like to keep it short, sweet, and to the point. I practice lots of things in life in this manner. I like to make you think about some things that you may not be thinking about just to throw a wrench in your day (good or not so good). Today, I just want to make a statement:
We often put ourselves in the positions we hate the most…At the end of the day if we blame someone (which we know blame is never a good thing) -perhaps responsibility is the better word- we need to take responsibility for our own positions in life (i.e. relationships, work, friendships, finances, etc).
Ciao,
DD
As the warm weather comes in…does the sex go out?
That time of year again…
Today is a sunny and 75 degree day here in Wilmington, Delaware. While it is not my ideal temperature because those who know me know I like it hovering around 90 degrees (I am a tropical person). The heat and of course as everyone knows the sun makes me feel my best! I look forward to waking up to blue skies, the scent of flowers in my back yard, and finally being able to give my dogs a bath outside (because they get stinky during the winter months when their bath times are reduced to wet rub downs to carry them over until I get the energy to pick them up and put them in the tub). Aaaahhhhhh, the summer life. The life I wish to have all year around but until I can figure out a way to move my practice down to Florida I am forced to stay here.
I’ve noticed a few things over the years with regard to sexuality and behavior. First, one would think the summer months would be more of an aphrodisiac for people. Ironically, it is not. While many of us (like myself) may feel good in the warmer months people actually have less sex. Interestingly, while people are having less sex they are actually getting a long better. Things that make you go Hmmmmmmm?
Many years ago I worked in a women’s health clinic as a counselor and what we determined through our data (no need to know how we determined this data) that men and women have more sex in the colder months. Now one could say “well, Dr. D that’s just common sense- it’s cold outside so people don’t go out and they stay in and have sex.” I get that (sort of). What I don’t get is why is it when all the skin is showing and cares seem to diminish and people seem to be getting along better is less sex happening. I also get that every couple is different, and that some couples will do it more in the warmer weather.
Overall, I think it is interesting that what we may think of as a time that is sexier, happens to be a time (in general) when people are feeling less sexy. So whatever and whenever you decide to have sex know that people in general feel better in the warmer sunnier weather and perhaps put a little more effort into having more sexual experiences when you feel good. Sex may be an even more positive experience (for those who receive it as positive in general).
Something to think about…
Sexy Tip for the summer:
Skip the car wash and suds up with your partner. Dress in something sexy (i.e. short shorts, bathing suit, whatever) and suds up the car-oh what fun!!
Ciao,
Oh the Dangers…
While working out in the gym earlier this week I did my usual-people watch. If I did as much working out as I did people watching I would probably have the more toned body I want. But that’s just not the case.
As I was watching people I noticed all the 30 something women with no rings on their fingers (not that that matters much these days). Then I noticed all the 40 something men (and perhaps 50 something’s) with rings on their fingers. Then the obvious thought: This is a great place to pick up men without the baggage of a relationship. Now, before you get upset at that statement I am not talking about for me. You have to remember that I am a social scientist and I am always at work. I notice things that most people do not. I say things that most people will not; I imagine things that most people can not.
My next thought was- Are the married 40 and 50 something men in sort of a sexual danger to the 30 something single women?
I saw plenty of these women eyeing up their married 40 and 50 year old male workout buddies. Are they interested? Were they simply admiring the male physiques? Would they or wouldn’t they make advances?
What about the wives of these men? Should they be alarmed? Should they let their partners go to the gym? To the bar with their friends? To the damn grocery store?
If there is one thing that I have learned in my career and life is that women have a lot of sexual power. They can lure with a movement of a hip, with a low cut shirt, with a facial movement. Where are the boundaries of knowing that someone is taken or are there no boundaries?
Some things to think about…
Ciao,
DD
Jealousy (short and sweet)
We know jealousy is not a natural emotion. What I mean by that is that we are not born with it-it is not one of our six basic emotions. We learn it along the paths of our lives. Somewhere growing up most likely in multiple areas of our lives we learn that we are not good enough. Ironically we do most of that damage to ourselves. When we feel inferior many of us internalize it, as we are not good enough. This thinking pattern is soon conditioned into our conscious thought. Before you know it we become jealous and angry.
I see this in so many people. I teach people how to change this. I see this in colleagues, friends, acquaintances, clients, family, and the list goes on. There is one thing that I believe whole-heartedly-when you wish bad on another human being the Universe will come back at you with a vengeance! Wishing others well is what brings peace and happiness into your world. I have gotten to a place in my life where I wish others well even if they are my enemy. I know the power of this.
I wish you well….
Ciao,
DD
The New Year
Short but Valuable…
It is a New Year!!
Welcome to 2013! I hope everyone finds a balance between taking it one day at a time and making goals for the New Year! Yes, there is a way to do this. Really, it’s about learning to remember to slow down and breathe. Be mindful that in order to live a fulfilling life you can’t always be moving and goal setting. The other side of that coin is to relax and enjoy your life. Oh- what so many of us forget to do!
For the New Year-2013 Remember to tell your self that life is good in many ways. Remember that your mind is one of the most powerful tools you have. If your mind is unbalanced there will be many other issues that arise i.e. depression, sexual function issues, manipulation, anxiety, and the list goes on. Remember to feed your brain the proper foods so it can be balanced in the New Year (these foods are fresh organic fruits and veggies as well as nuts and super foods) and most of all remember to slow down and LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE FULLEST!
Ciao,
DD
A Few Tips To Understand A Woman’s Sex Drive
It is a common misconception that women have lower sex drives then men. Because of social stigmas early on in a woman’s life (i.e. slut, etc) she learns to keep her sex drive under wraps. It’s not generally until late thirties even early forties that she lets those ideas go and understands that she owns her body.
The goal of getting a woman aroused is essentially “preheating” her. That’s right-like an oven. She is generally slow to turn on and slow to cool down. On average it takes a woman twenty minutes to reach an orgasm. This is about fifteen minutes of preheating.
So some of you may be thinking what the hell is preheating? In this sense it is not only physical foreplay but also emotional foreplay. It just so happens that at this point in evolution women are still emotionally centered. Women use sex as a way to emotionally connect. When this is understood by a woman’s partner, good sex will be inevitable.
How To Get Her To Do What You Want (in the bedroom)
- Make her feel safe- safety and security and sex go hand and hand. She has to know that you will not look down on her or judge her. She also has to feel like you are able to handle whatever she gives to you (and the intensity).
- Support her- Support her efforts to be as frisky/dirty as she wants.
- Encourage her- Encourage her to express her wild side and be sure to give positive reinforcement during and after!
Because women are emotional these tips work well to ease her into her into the power of her own sex drive. With all of this being said, I’m also a big fan of sexting (to get your partner in the mood).
If you have not tries this, you may want to- send a sexy text mid day to your woman but keep it on the emotional lines. Here’s an example: “I can’t wait for you to get home, I miss you and can’t wait to get close to you” or “You make me so happy- I want you more and more when I think about us.”
Good Luck!
Ciao,
DD
The Fifty-Minute Rule
So, I was sitting with my intern the other day and we were watching a video on creating successful relationships. The video is an educational video that examines and explores how to be in a healthy relationship, which just from my own awareness, not many people get this.
So as we were sitting there the speaker starts to discuss the fifty-minute rule, a staple in relationship therapy as well as conflict management. So, this rule also known as taking a break, is said to diffuse the tension and the conflict. I could not agree more. However, I had never heard it put in a time frame (i.e. fifty minutes). My approach was simply: take a break if there is no resolve and the emotions are heating up. When emotions are high we know that not much gets resolved.
From now on the rule will be: If the issue has not been resolved within fifty-minutes take a break and come back to it. However, the two of you need to negotiate a time to come back to it, which may be an hour, later that evening, or the next day. The most important thing is that the two of you make sure you come back to the issue.
So when you argue or when there is an issue in your relationship, apply the fifty-minute rule. This will help you to understand your feelings as well as your partner’s feelings. Remember, when it comes to issues in a relationship if the issues do not get resolved they will fester and often times become bigger issues down the road.
Ciao,
DD
Sexuality Education
While attending a seminar on National Sexuality Education it dawned on me for umpteenth hundredth time that we as a culture have a real problem with talking about sexuality related issues. This problem starts in childhood and ends up at grown adults who are not much more educated then their children.
The reality is (according to education standards (really your opinion doesn’t matter here) that by the end of second grade a child should be able to say the real names of their body parts in this case specifically their genitalia (i.e. vagina and penis). In my experience, many adults have a difficult time speaking these words. There is something wrong with this picture.
The strongest data set supports a comprehensive sexuality education program. Evidence-based programs have been proven through serious evaluation to reduce risky sexual behavior. According to SIECUS, Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, comprehensive sex education curriculum offer medical data that is presented in an age appropriate manner. A wide spectrum of topics is covered in these programs, which include abstinence, contraception, relationships, sexuality, and the prevention of disease.
Contrary to popular belief, comprehensive sexuality education doesn’t mean the education is revolved around having sex. Why some people believe this is baffling to me. The concept is about age appropriate education. If we had more of this we would have better prepared teens and adults for not only sex but also life itself.
Ciao,
DD
