Dr. Debra Laino

Sex Therapy and Life Coaching in Delaware

17 May 2012
1 Comment

Oral Sex Techniques-Ladies Listen Up

While many women scoff at the thought of giving their male partners oral sex and while some become nauseated, oral sex is stimulating for men (and women) and it can be an act of love (i.e. giving pleasure to your partner).  Some of the reasons why oral sex is viewed in a negative light by some women is because they were taught that oral sex is dirty (good girls don’t do those types of things), they have strong gag reflexes, or they have had some type of negative experience with the act.  Ladies, be honest (it’s not as simple as “I just don’t like it”-there is a reason).  With that being said, I have hear some women say things like ” I don’t like the way it smells,” “I don’t want cum in my mouth,” ” I don’t know how” and even “He doesn’t deserve it.”  Either way look at the reason why this is not an appealing act for you.

Needless to say, there are approaches to oral sex that can make the “job” more appealing.  First one has to remember no one is born a good lover it takes some time to figure out not only what your partner likes but also (and perhaps most important) what you like.  So for starters, what is your fantasy?  What do you desire?  What does a  great sexual experience look like to you?  Get in touch with this side of yourself (it will translate into the experience eventually).

Here are a few tips for oral sex:

A wet mouth is important.  Use something that is known to make people salivate (honey, chocolate syrup, anything that will make you salivate-usually something sweet).

Ball wipes-yes they do have them!  Check out http://www.fellaswipes.com/index.html  While this is a UK company you can accomplish the same thing with baby wipes or simply soap and water on a warm wash cloth (make it part of foreplay).

The penis is all about different sensations.  By using your hand on the lower part of the shaft and your mouth on the head and upper part of the shaft you accomplish two things 1. successfully dealing with your gag reflex, and 2. the feeling (for him) of deep throating.

Use something different- A beaded necklace.  Wrap the beaded necklace around the shaft of the penis and jerk him off with your hand over top of the beaded necklace.  Intermittently, suck, lick on the head of his penis.

Good eye contact is always an added pleasure for the man (you looking at him while you are giving him oral sex)

Hummmmmm-once again, sensations on the penis are great for pleasure.  So while you are giving him oral sex hummmmm (the vibrations in your mouth and vocal chords will prove to be sensation-able!)

This is to start off with.  These are great tips that will last a long time and you can build from them.  Remember, if you feel like sexual activity is a chore- there is something else going on within you (values, trauma, stress, loss of attraction, medical issues, medications, etc)  It’s important to figure that out as soon as possible!

 

Ciao,

DD

 

Posted in Uncategorized
08 May 2012
1 Comment

When One Door Closes Another One Always Opens

I consider myself to be pro-marriage.  Of course I am! I fix them for a living (as part of what I do).  However, over the years I have questioned whether or not some can be fixed (obviously through my experience).  I also accept that some people are not pro-marriage and live in the area of non-monogamy.  To each their own.

For some, saying good-bye to a person that we do care about tremendously because either one person will not try to understand, both people have different life goals or “we just don’t get along” and a plethora of other factors.   The pain is often compounded because of subconscious guidance by our values, beliefs and rules for our lives-the “blueprint” that we have designed over the years.

What I have found in both personal and professional space is that often our values, beliefs and rules we have for ourselves are not serving us-they are in fact doing a diservice.  Yet, most people stay true to those values, beliefs and rules and will live in misery and pain.  In actuality if you tweak them just a bit you can find fullfilment.  Let’s take marriage for an example:

I have come across people in my years that will stay married when they are unhappy and have been unhappy for 25 years and more -they are getting barely any of their needs met and have been in countless arguments over it.  Yet, they stay and live their lives in misery.  When one tweak of your values around marriage you can start to feel fulfilment.  That tweak is understanding that you can’t make someone else love you the way you want to be loved (they have to understand and be capable of loving you in that way).  If they are not understanding that whether married or not you deserve (everyone deserves to be loved).  You can move into another relationship where you are loved in the way in which you desire.  But in order to do that you have tweak your “blueprint” on marriage.

Again, I have worked with countless couples.  The one thing I see clearly is if both partners are willing to make some changes and work hard on building the relationship, marriages can heal and move onto another level.  If the couple is not willing (as a team) to start building or at minimum learning how to build and be a team (which includes many things but one primary inclusion is solid communication and listening skills) they will not survive.

Understand what it is that you want and start moving toward it…

Ciao,

DD

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01 May 2012
2 Comments

The Power You Do Have

The Power of Decisions…

Emotional fitness?  Psychological Strength? 

We all have the power to make decisions but it does take action.  Really, does anything change without some type of action-new action?  Yet, before you take action you have to make that decision.  This is where most people fall short.  They do not want to make that decision that will take them to the action phase. 

Do you ever question why your life isn’t changing?  Ask yourself: Are you making decisions for your life and taking action on those decisions?  Even what you may believe to be inconsequential can have a majr impact on the outcome of your day, month, year, and life.

I work on the premise of compounding.  The small things you do will have an impact in your life.  This impact will be either negative or positive.  I often use the example: If you choose to eat a steak today will it dramatically effect your health? No.  If you choose to eat a salad today will it dramatically effect your health? No.  But, if you make one of these two decisions every day it will dramatically effect your health-either negative or positive.

It is in the moment of decision making that your future is created.

Think about this for a little while…Where are you with this?

Ciao,

DD

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18 Apr 2012
2 Comments

Let It Go…

If she/he wants to do it let them.  People choose their own behavior which will take them on the journey they need to be on.  While it may hurt you it is imperative for their success/failure as a person.  Some of us need to fail our way to the top in order to understand ourselves.

The insecurity is palpable in many people with regard to sexuality (and other areas of life).  One such example is a male thinking his partner is going to choose a vibrator over him.  There is something so unsettling in this thought.  Something that speaks volumes to insecurity and ignorance, yet, it happens all the time.  In this example the partner, relationship, and male suffers.

While this blog will be short as I am awaiting my next client, I have to just let this out:

jealousy is invariably an obvious symptom of neurotic insecurity

If you feel jealous before you become angry or place blame on someone else make sure you do a thorough evaluation of your self.

Ciao,

DD

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10 Apr 2012
2 Comments

Giving Love-Not Getting It

Giving Love is Better Than Getting Love…

Is this true?  What happens when we wait for love and wait and wait and wait… And we wait for the love that we have designed in our own heads (most often the fast track love we see in the media).  Do we ever get it?  No.

However, when we give love we feel love.  When we give love we become love.  When we give love we get love in return in a pure and authentic way.

Here is the problem: We want to be loved in the way we think love should look.  When we do not receive love in that way we become disenchanted-we often disconnect. This is one of the origins of infidelity, compulsive behavior, anger in relationships, and resentment to name a few.

If we design love in our minds and give the love that we design we will ultimately feel good about ourselves-we come out with a clear conscience.  This is happiness within self.

Give the love that you wish to receive.  But do not expect anything back.  You do not give love to get love.  You give love to give love.

Try it.

Caio,

DD

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27 Mar 2012
4 Comments

Changing Your Life

Core Expectations-those blue prints that we designed for ourselves….

It is not always a good thing to have your happiness defined by your core expectations.  At times in life core expectations need to change in order for you to grow.  We get locked in to what and how we think our lives should be and sometimes they are impossible.  For example a woman who turns 75 and never had children but always wanted them.  Her happiness at one point (and still) depended on having children.  At 75 we know that without some medical/spiritual miracle this is not possible.  If this woman doesn’t change her blue print on what happiness actually is and how she defines her own sense of happiness she will not be happy.  It is exactly this, that becomes the core problem in people’s lives-their blue print.

Life conditions may not match what you think life should look like.  Change the conditions.  I see men and women often who have these thinking errors.  They believe that their relationship should look a certain way, that sex should look a certain way, that their houses should look a certain way and on and on and on….Nothing has to look like anything-people do this to themselves.  People create their own misery by creating a blue print in their minds and becoming rigid with the ideals.

We can change our blue print by changing our thinking.  We can become happy by examining and accepting happiness in different ways.  When a person can change their blue print they have risen to another higher level in life.  A level where they can find an abundance of happiness.

Food for thought…Happiness is within us whether we are depressed, angry, sad, and so on.  Emotions are states and states can be changed.

Ciao,

DD

Posted in Uncategorized
20 Mar 2012

The Cowboy Syndrome

Men and emotions….

We, culturally, are suffering from the “Cowboy Syndrome.”  Oh Yes, it is true.  What is this syndrome you ask?  It is the deep-rooted notion and belief that men should not show emotions.  That essentially, if they do, they are considered weak.

Last week, I had my Interpersonal Communication class discuss this.  I was surprised and happy to see a couple of the males in the class disagreed with the cowboy syndrome and believe that it is exactly this idea that harms men.  While most other males in the class still believe that men are not supposed to show emotion.  One of my students (male) stated that it is the exact opposite.  ”It is the fact that males think this way that is the weakness in males”.

Oh, how I felt like a proud mother…

The truth is that males need to show emotion as emotions are human (not male or female).  I see often in practice that when males do not show emotion their relationships and their “self” suffers tremendously as time goes on.  I have often had to teach males how to recognize and show emotion to their partner as well as to themselves-and of course learn how to accept these emotions.

Without the show of emotion (in both men and women) what we end up with is no depth in communication, no meaningful dialogue, and no connection to self and partner.

So a word from the wise:  It is imperative that men understand, accept and show their emotions as it is part of their human existence.

Here’s an exercise to start:

Embarrassment, Shame, Joy

Write two to three paragraphs on a time in your life when you felt these three emotions.  It has to be a minimum of two to three paragraphs so we can get some sort of depth and self connection. After you are done, walk away and comeback a few hours later and re-read them.  Think more about how you feel about what you wrote.  This is the beginning of self-awareness.

Ciao,

DD

 

 

Posted in Healthy Relationships, Just Life, Psychology and tagged , , | Leave a Comment
15 Mar 2012

Love and Money

As you may know after reading many of my blogs I think a lot.  I think at times too much.  So much so that I annoy myself (and probably others).

Lately I have been doing some trainings on business.   I believe in lifelong learning in all areas of life and believe that it is through “progress” that true happiness thrives. However, a question that continues to poke at me is “what is more important love or money?”

I heard something this morning that struck a chord with me (that I am still digesting a few hours later).

Love is something that makes life special

Money is something that if you do not have you are in trouble

I often pose the question to many of my classes can money buy happiness?  The majority of the class states that money can NOT buy happiness.   Yet when I go through all of the things money can do (to play the devils advocate) twenty minutes later half the class has changed their minds.

This isn’t about being shallow and wanting money or being noble and wanting love.  This is about logic.

Women in particular need to be thinking about this because these days to be a smart woman you need to have control of your finances.  Often, with social security, divorce, even widowed women fall at the short end of the stick.  For example, roughly 50% of marriages end up in divorce and 80% of those women see their lifestyles plummet after the divorce. On another note men’s lifestyles often grow financially.

The point of this is to be thinking about your future in not only a relational aspect but also a financial aspect.  The dollar in your “purse” right now will be worth about 40 cents in about 15 years.  How will you deal with that?

Love is special and it’s needed to thrive from a physical and emotional perspective for all humans.  However, without financial security you are in trouble.

Ciao,

DD

Posted in Just Life | Leave a Comment
09 Mar 2012
2 Comments

Women and Sex

Women and their so-called mysterious sexuality…

I was asked to do a television show next week in Philadelphia on Women and Sex.  This is a great topic for a show for obvious reasons.  The first one being, it’s about sex so of course its going to be interesting.  The second because I am a woman and I certainly know a hell of a lot about sex and relationships.

As I think about this (and I think about this a lot as I see tons of women in practice) I wonder why there is so much mystery around women’s sexuality.  Sure, there is the fact that female sexuality really didn’t start being studied until around the 70′s (this of course discounting Sigmund Freud and his ridiculous notion of two types of female orgasm: vaginal and clitoral: which is NOT true) but also there seems to be more sexual dysfunction in females than in males-especially when it comes to desire.

What is clear through my research, practical knowledge, and self-knowledge is that dysfunction has an origin.  The goal is to find that origin and start to resolve it.  Often I see women who not only work full-time, but do the majority of housework and taking care of the children.  Yet, these women are still expected to have sex with their partners.  Ladies, I support you 100% LIFE DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY!

The reality is that when women are overly stressed out, tired, overwhelmed, and essentially burned out sex is the last thing on their minds.  Usually sleeping and eating are at the top of the list.  Simply knowing this doesn’t resolve the issue of course.  There needs to be a balance in not only the woman’s life but also her partner’s life.

The Solution:

No longer does the woman do the majority of the housework and child care.  It is now split 50/50.

She learns to manage her stress levels by doing things that make her feel good whether that be going to get her nails done or stepping into the other room and breathing deeply.

Sex becomes a relaxing experience so that she can relax-no more pressure to have sex

Sex may get put into a different time slot. Ten o’clock pm may not work when she has to get up at 6 am for the kids

Sex becomes more enjoyable with lots of foreplay and touching prior to penetration or oral sex - Slam Bam Thank You Mam’s are out of style!

Ciao,

DD

 

Posted in Healthy Relationships, Just Life, Psychology, Sexuality, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , ,
01 Mar 2012

Blame

Take Responsibility…

In my recent post about time, I talked about choices.  While it is true that we all have choices roughly 95% of us make negative choices that effect us negatively.  This is sad to think but when you look at the world we live in it certainly makes sense.  We often want what others have and we want it fast.  When we do not get it fast we give up and blame someone or something else.

Take for instance every January when the fitness centers become filled with people who have a new Year’s resolution to lose some weight.  At the end of January those fitness centers die down considerable.  Why?  Well, those people who decide not to go to the fitness center any more decided that they didn’t see results fast enough so they stop going.  The gain back any weight they may have lost and often times more.   They begin to blame working out, blame their partner, blame their time, blame themselves and stop the process.  Instead of taking responsibility for their negative choice of leaving the fitness center.

Successful people in anything in life take responsibility and stop blaming other people for their failures.  It is a state of mind.  Full responsibility for who you are, where you are, and everything that happens to you.  People who fail consistently blame everything: the economy, their wife or husband, their childhood, their boss, their lack of education, God,  and the list goes on and on.

YOU are the source of who you are, what you do, and where you go…

Responsibility is liberating.

 

Ciao,

DD

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