Dr. Debra Laino

Listen…

Listening is a critical skill.

We should all know how important it is to listen in all areas of life.  Yet, the reality of all people knowing how to listen is a myth.  I see continuously how people do not listen.  Instead they listen to what THEY think is right or what THEY want to hear.  The fact is, listening is a skill-a skill that people are not born with.

When it comes to relationships listening is a necessity.  I have heard people say (about their significant other) “I have known her for thirty years, I know what she is thinking.”  I’m baffled at this because this is one of the reasons why they end up in my office.  It’s called mind reading in “therapy terms” and its one of the worse things couples can do.  This essentially is one person projecting their own thoughts onto their partner and thinking that their partner is thinking what they are thinking (sounds a bit confusing but people do it all the time-sometimes without being aware of it).

Stop and listen.  Hear what your partner is actually saying (even if it hurts to hear it).  Repeat it back to your partner so you have a clear understanding of what your partner is saying.  Then DIALOGUE about it.  Discuss how the two of you can work on it, how does it (what ever was said) make each of you feel?  How did the two of you get to this place?  Giving each person the time to speak their feelings (without judgement).

Though this is only part of the process it’s enough to get you to think about the concept of really listening to someone-anyone.  Too often we are thinking about our own response and we hear about 25% of the message someone is saying to us.  This is often one of the fundamental issues in relationships.

Think about it…

Ciao,

DD