Dr. Debra Laino

Sex Therapy and Life Coaching in Delaware

Getting Through a Breakup


Perhaps one of the hardest things we have to do (or at least it seems that way at the time) is getting through a breakup.  While we often still have feelings for the person  we are breaking up with, there is that critical point when one or two of you believe that the relationship will not work.  This is one of the most difficult things to deal with and often leaves us feeling like we never got a chance to prove ourselves.


With that being said, one of the most important lessons that I have learned (and I have seen first and second hand) is grieving and missing someone does not necessarily mean that you want to be with that person.  It simply means you’ve lost something that is/was valuable to you and that hurts.  It is imperative for people to learn how to not mistake the grief of an ended relationship as love –it is not.


After any relationship ends there is a ‘cooling off” period, a period to get to reconnect with yourself again.  Often in unhealthy relationships we tend to merge identities together (which is often at the core of dissatisfaction in a relationship).  It is because of this that taking some time after a breakup to be by yourself is important for your overall health.  If you find yourself ending one relationship and instantly getting into another there is a potential problem.  That problem is often fear of being alone.  This pattern is what often gets someone into a continuous pattern of unhealthy relationships.


Revenge is no appealing and is often something we regret later on.  After a breakup don’t try to get revenge on the person (especially if they have broken it off with you).  You will look crazy and it will get around!  I tell people all the time that the best “revenge” is to see your ex a year later with a fabulous life!


With that being said, after a breakup it is imperative to start looking at you and working on you to be the best you that you can be!


Just a few tips on breakups as they unfortunately are part of life.


As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.John F. Kennedy




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5 thoughts on “Getting Through a Breakup

  1. Generation 26 on said:

    Nice blog. Just wanna let you know I live In DE to and I was pretty psyched to just stumble upon another Delawarian lol

  2. I totally agree with this! I have a friend who has been in a ninth month on again-off again relationship (she and her bf recently got back together again after 3 weeks apart). It’s driving me crazy, since whenever they’ve broken up, she uses me as a shoulder to cry on, which was fine up until the last time when I was truly hoping she would see the light and accept the breakup–but I was wrong, since as I already stated, they’re back together. I feel that she is only pursuing something with this bf of hers because she’s in her mid-30s, divorced, and hasn’t been in love for over a decade. I’ve expressed my concerns about the unhealthiness of her relationship, but she still goes back for more. I now feel inclined to never lend my shoulder to her again, because I feel as if it won’t do any good. She needs to understand that being alone is better than being in an unhealthy relationship. If she and her bf break up again (and I’m sure they will based on previous history, and this guy clearly not wanting a full-time gf), that she will call me and cry and vent about it, but I don’t feel as if I can deal with hearing about it anymore, especially since she will probably go back to the guy. *Sigh* I wonder if I care too much.

    • Justine,
      Sounds liek a pain in you know what! With that being said there are two things to think about: 1. no one knows a relationship really except the two peopel that are in it, and 2. some people can absolutely be addicted to one another (the other person is their drug). This gets messy so I won’t go into detail. The best thing you can do is not get involved at this point. You’ve made your feelings known (being a good friend and pointing out how she is continuously getting hurt), it is up to her now. All you can do is focus on you-and I know you know that! : )


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